


DreamSim ver. 2.0

by queerquiche (Queerquiche)



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, First Fic!, Mild Angst, Mutual Pining, Spacer (Mass Effect), thane doesn't die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-24 08:17:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19169356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queerquiche/pseuds/queerquiche
Summary: Commander Anne Shepard "gently retrieves" a simulation that allows one to see how their life could have been. Like a fix-it fic but with a more bittersweet end.  Mostly framed around in-game conversations with Thane. It's a lot of soft emotional support and beginning of relationship awkwardness and and embarrassment. Also some backstory and rationalization for my decisions for my Shepard.It is my very first fanfic so please be gentle!





	1. Dreams of What Was

      There was nothing worse to Anne Shepard than a kid throwing away their opportunity. The human kid couldn’t have been older than sixteen and he was attempting to hack into one of the many large digital advertisement billboards of the Citadel to play crude messages. After a long discussion with the famed Commander Shepard about the responsibilities about being a good citizen and how the kid could better use his significant technical ability, the kid couldn’t hide the illicit goods he held. Several versions of the Commander Shepard VI and a simulation program currently banned from usage within the Citadel, Dreamlife 2.0.

      The commander quickly confiscated and subsequently destroyed the series of borderline offensive VI.  She had to admit she was curious about banned program.  The publishing company had gone bankrupt after a series of lawsuits regarding the game. It used cutting edge technology to access the memories of the player to create a custom simulation. Its tagline read “Experience Your Best Life.” It couldn’t predict the future but instead offered a taste of what one’s perfect life would be like. The reality it created was too perfect and had caused a large amount of people to become addicted to the escapism the artificial life offered. Like Odysseus the commander was curious about the siren-like simulation

      “EDI please do not allow entrance into the lounge for the next hour or so. Liara or Garrus can handle any emergency that may arise,” The tired woman deserved some time to herself.

       “You got it Commander.  Locking starboard port door”

       “Thank you, EDI.” Anne looked at the small simulation machine, its rainbow lights glowing vividly in the dark room, bouncing softly off the fully stocked bar. The artificial lights couldn’t compare to the cacophony of color outside the bay windows. This place amidst the void had long become her home. She slipped into the cool plastic chair and drifted away.

\----

      Anne Shepard always took almost unbearably hot showers. The sting of the warm water sliced through the pain and exhaustion of the day. She stood in the shower unmoving, simply letting her the tension melt from her. She had long since finished washing yet she stood enjoying the warmth. From her private restroom she heard the door to her quarters whirl open. Somebody was entering her quarters without her express permission.

 _“ Incapacitate intruder with biotics, hairbrush against the mirror, smash the glass, use as a knife.”_ Her calculations were swiftly disposed of as she heard the light gravely cough of her intruder. The suffocating humidity of her shower tickled the Drell assassin’s sensitive lungs. Shepard relaxed. She shouted over the running water, “Sorry Thane I didn’t forget our meeting I just took far longer than I anticipated.” Through the metal door she heard some muffled reply of acceptance.

     She valued the companionship of the man greatly. He was a moment of calm in the eye of a hurricane. It was only a matter of time before the storm overtook them all. Despite her own assurances to her crew Shepard herself did not believe they would survive the mission to fight The Collectors. Distracted by the notion of continued existence or lack thereof she nearly waved the bathroom doors open passively when Anne suddenly remembered.

     She had left her clothing on her bed.

     The commander was not prudish about the human body. She had spent her entire life on ships. Close quarters demanded such acceptance. But she was Commander Shepard, and this was Thane. She couldn’t simply walk out there nude.

     “ _What if he doesn’t like how soft humans are…”_ She interrupted herself. Why should she care what he thinks of her body? Yet she felt her face fill with warmth, thankful her dark skin would hide most of the redness. She swore under her breath. “Thane if you look at me, I will not hesitate to throw you out of the airlock, I left my clothing out on my bed. I am coming out now.” The woman scrambled to the pile on her bed. She pretended that she didn’t notice the seven different ways that the reflections of her room would allow the man to take a glance at the nude woman.

_“I got this book in the Citadel. Based on our last conversation, I thought you would enjoy it.” An Asari’s dissertation on the relevance of early human philosophers on the greater intergalactic community. I also bought this.” Face blossoming a subtle red. “I was hoping you could help teach me your language. Tit for tat I guess” The smell of dust. A battered and thin secondhand book on Drell Poetry held casually aloft._

     Thane intensely focused on the memory of the beginning of their near nightly ritual rather than the reflection of the commander’s nude form bouncing off the large fish tank. Prior to this night they would hold their post-mission sessions within the miniscule space of Life Support. Breaking from the newly founded tradition, the tired commander recommended relaxing on the comfortable couches of her quarters. Thane couldn’t complain, the sound of the light jazz and the bubbling fish tank was a welcome change from the constant racket of the life-giving machines.

     “Commander, have you finished?” He would never betray Shepard’s trust in him in something as base as leering at her, however he felt the curious temptation.

     “Sorry about that Thane. Let’s get down to business,” as she flopped down on the couch and grabbed several datapads. He had never seen the commander so informal, Thane marveled at her reflection in the glass of the fish tank. He dared not gaze upon her directly. The cut off sleeves extenuated her muscular arms while he impromptu holes just large enough to reveal the sides of her breast, the flesh hidden by a black Alliance issued bra. Her red shorts complimented the warm brown of her long legs.  Around her right ankle was two tattoos; each a heartbeat, a flatline, a date.

     “What are you in the mood for tonight, classic human philosophers or transcendentalist Asari theories? This one here is particularly interesting.” Nothing pleased Anne Shepard more than being able to share her own hobbies with another. She read everything she could get her hands on; be it planetary geography, ancient technology, alien biology, philosophy, even Krogan poetry. Since Shepard was a child, she had always loved learning. She looked out of the tiny windows in her mother’s ship and saw the universe and she wanted to know as much about it as possible, from its people to its lunar rotations. The thirst for knowledge is what attracted to her to Liara, at first. The years had changed her. Thane shared the same intelligence, but it was not the knife he wielded, it was simply a part of him.

     “My fish are going to fear for their lives if you keep staring like that,” she said without looking up from the datapads.   

     “The jellyfish are native to Kahje,” _They were a favorite of Irikah’s_. He thought.

      “Earth has jellyfish as well. I was surprised how similar they appeared to be. The bastard upstairs gave me a giant water tank but no fish to fill it with. I bought them myself on the Citadel. These guys are the real survivors. I killed the first set.” Shepard stood from her couch to join him by the fish tank. Pressing the feeding button as she passed. They stood shoulder to shoulder, illuminated by the blue light, watching the simple creatures float through the water. She felt strangely at peace.

      Thane was the first to break the serenity, “Commander I wanted to ask you something,”

      “Hmm?” Shepard crooked an eyebrow as she looked at him. “ _This light makes his scales almost opalescent.”_ She thought to herself.

      “What do your tattoos mean? I have gathered from Jack that humans get them for a variety of reasons.” His dark eyes looked deep into hers, an innocent curiosity sparkled within them.

      “Oh,” she turned from him to the fish tank, her voice flat, “I guess with my boots they are hidden most of the time. Well. They are human heart rates. In my career I have made it a point to not lose my men. The first tattoo is for Jenkins, we lost him on the very first mission with the S-1. I should have protected the rookie better. The second one is for Ashley on Virmire, I had to make a decision and her life was the price...” The commander put her forehead to the cool glass of the tank, “I guess I need about twenty more. I’ll look like Jack by the time this is all over” She joked, but the pain she felt was evident. She refused to look at Thane.

      “ _You are going to loose everybody, including Tha…”_ the cruel voices of anxiety were swiftly interrupted by a warm hand on her shoulder blades rubbing gentle circles; a consoling gesture.  His touch was soft and unsure. The exhausted woman faced him. His dark eyes were filled with concern.

      “For Drell our memories can become a burden. We can become lost within them. It is a careful balance between remembrance and obsession.” His philosophical words carrying his own hidden pain not yet ready to be revealed.

      “True, I am not that much a fan of needles anymore anyways.” She deflected. She would always carry the people that she lost on her soul, she didn’t need the tattoos to be constantly thinking about them. It was a shame she carried deep in her soul, that she couldn’t save everybody. Part of her hated that Cerberus had revived her, but another part was glad for the opportunity offered to her. Perhaps her last act of defeating the Collectors will balance out the losses she had permitted to occur. Even if they passed through the relay unscathed, she would not stop until all the Collectors were dead. One last great act for redemption. She pushed the thoughts from her mind. “Come on, a whole different scheme of verb conjugation isn’t going to learn itself.”

      Had Anne Shepard not been a halfway decent shot and an incredibly powerful biotic she would have made an excellent diplomat. She dedicated her limited free time to learning and understanding other race’s cultures. She didn’t trust her translator to accurately depict the intricacies of language and thus she took it into her own hands. The commander was an expert on adding excessive work into her life. She grabbed her book of the of “The Greatest in Drell Poetry” from her desk. Thane’s voice fascinated her.  She doubted she would be able to replicate the soothing subharmonics vital for complete fluency, but should the situation arise where her translator fails, she would be able to understand. She chose a page at random.  

      “Sweet juice runs down her lips…” Shepard begins to translate the poem slowly line by line into her native English as she lounged on the couch, one arm perched on the back gesturing faintly. Thane’s fringes began to redden, he prayed that she would not realize his quickened heartbeat. He recognized this poem by a famed ancient eroticist, written on the careful edge between innocence and innuendo. Its careful prose only revealing its intentions in the last line. It was a beautiful and classic piece of literature.

      She stopped her recital with a disappointed frown, “I was doing so well. Thane care to help out with this word here?” She edged close to him. She pointed to the unknown word with an elegant finger.

    “ _He smells floral, almost like poppies, not what I would expect. Perhaps his toxin?”_  

    “It’s a fruit native to one of the islands of Kahje. It is said to be an aphrodisiac.” Shepard’s face scrunched as she thought for a second on the words connotation before a slow horror dawned on her face.

     “Oh. OH _. OH_. OKAY THEN,” she stood up swiftly as she closed the unfinished poem with a clap as her blush set deep enough to be visible through her dark skin. “I think I have enough of reading horny poems for one night. We have a long day of travel ahead and I still have reports to do.” She paused for an awkward moment until she spoke again, “Goodnight Thane.”  

      Returning to his meager space in Life Support Thane mused over what had just happened. He respected her, perhaps even admired her. He began to regret his simple touch of comfort. The quick dismissal vexed him, his own disappointment to his dismissal even more puzzling.

_“Warmth of her body so near. Pulse pounding despite all attempts at control. Her mannerisms relaxed, comfortable, casual. Her face contorted in an attempt at comprehension. A look of recognition. A shift in mannerisms. The stiffness of professionalism. A denial.”_

      The commander’ guard being down in the presence of the assassin until she realized the authorial intentions behind the words she spoke aloud was, curious.  He knew she was no prudish maiden. She was a renowned heartbreaker, or so the teasing suggested. She often jokingly flirted with the crew she was closest to. Overall, she was physically affectionate, as was common with humans, to all her crew. To all except for Thane, the simple touches afforded to his crewmates were absent to him. Yet the soft flush that came to her soft cheeks were exclusive to their interactions. Thane was unfamiliar with the intricacies of human interactions, but the culmination of her uncharacteristic actions meant something. That something was cause for Thane’s heart to hasten.  

                She felt like an absolute idiot and she could not figure out why. She flopped face first onto her bed; a billion questions pulsed through her mind. Why had she felt so embarrassed to read a poem, so obvious in retrospect, about sex in front of Thane? Was she a teenager in literature class? Why did she kick him out of her quarters so unceremoniously? Was she afraid that had she finished that poem he would find out that she was interested in him? What? Was she interested in him romantically? Since when? She savored every platonic moment she had with him. Yet, she was so incredibly curious if his perfect lips felt the same as a human’s or asari’s. She certainly was in trouble.  Commander Shepard had a history of falling into a relationship just before an incredibly dangerous mission, and only to regret it later. She didn’t want to do that to Thane. He was worth more than a regrettable fling. She felt something deeper than had been lacking in her past.  She groaned in frustration.

\---

                They did not hold their late-night sessions within Shepard’s chambers again. Yet the commander was a still a consistent visitor to Life Support. No matter how weary the day had made her she always found reprieve in the low hum of the machines and the stimulating conversations.

_“It seems there will be no one to mourn me when I die. You’re the only friend I’ve made in ten years”_

_She sighed, “I think you make more of an impact on people than you think. But friend, huh. That’s… a start.” A lilt to her voice. She lifted her hand to cover her mouth. Surprised at her own audacity._

_“A start? That’s…intriguing. I will always be here to talk” A playful chuckle escaped him._

_“Ok! Good night Thane!” she squeaked in embarrassment._

       The commander bolted out of Life Support. Those few words offered confirmation of interest that each unknowingly craved.

       He pondered upon the moment for an hour more. He cursed himself, now was not the time for attachments. Yet he could not help but fall into the memory of her smile as she left Life Support.

        Sleep found her in its typical torturous time. She must have looked like a fool being shocked at her own words. Exhaustion was a dangerous drug in her system, it makes her too honest.  yet he ended the conversation with an open invitation. The commander agonized over every second of their short talk.          

        In time, they each dreamt of the other.

\---

                 

                _CRACK!_

        “Shit” Thane heard a quiet curse from the mess as he exited the men’s restroom. He peered around the elevator to see Commander Shepard looking at a mess of sharp ceramic now surrounding her in disbelief. She had decapitated a mug sculpted in the shape of some common human house pet. She locked eyes with the Drell assassin. “You saw nothing.” She mouthed, with a serious countenance. Thane smirked as he moved to assist the embarrassed woman in cleaning up the shattered glass.

        Together they made short work of the ceramic calamity. Thane could tell something was wrong with the commander. She didn’t hold herself with her characteristic confidence and light. Something weighed on her.

        “Thanks for helping. I would offer to make you a cup, but it seems like I shouldn’t be trusted with them.” She laughed at herself. The bags under her eyes were prominent. It was obvious to the assassin that she hadn’t been sleeping. She held a faraway look, like her mind was a million miles from the Normandy.

        “Commander what would you like?”

        “Oh, you don’t have to make me anything. I probably should head back up and attempt to sleep again.” She didn’t seem too thrilled about the idea of turmoil of attempting.

        “I insist, I was about to brew a cup of tea myself.” He wasn’t but Shepard seemed like she needed something to ground her back to the present. “We can take it into my quarters as to not disrupt the crew.”

        “If I fall asleep mid-conversation it is not my fault,” she said with a weary smile.

        The commander had terrible taste in teas. She couldn’t stand the earthy tones of most varieties but instead preferring the intense taste of artificial fruits and an abhorrent amount of sugar. It had been a couple of days since the last time Shepard had spent any amount of prolonged time with the man, she had missed their talks. For the moment they sat in silence; enjoying the quiet company and the warm aroma.

        “Shepard, I must ask, what are you doing awake this early into the cycle?” the Drell questioned.

        “I could ask you the same,” she returned, not looking at him.

        “I prefer the early hours of the night for my personal business. It lessens the chance of gawking crewmates.” He answered honestly. The assassin was still somewhat new to the crew of the Normandy S-2 and much of the crew was caught between either their fear, attraction, or xenophobia of the man.

        “That’s fair. I would probably do the same if I were in your place,” she avoided. Thane looked at her expectantly, gently nudging her to answer his question. She wouldn’t be getting out of this easily. She sighed and placed her mug on Thane’s desk. Crossing her arms, she began. “I couldn’t sleep because I was tossing and turning rethinking every decision I have made,” she refused to look at him, “Kaiden or Ashley, the Council or my compatriots. Hell, even stopping the guards from torturing a man when we got Jack let a madman go off to terrorize the galaxy. Each action I make has huge ramifications. Who decided I should oversee any of this? A human supremacy terrorist group? I am nothing special. I couldn’t even fill a cup with water right…” she trailed off. These were not things she should be telling one of her subordinates, but in this moment,  she couldn’t give a damn.  

        “I don’t believe that is true,” he carefully grabbed her hand rubbing a thumb across her knuckles, “You have a way of instilling loyalty in all that you meet. You are honorable, yet fierce. A marvel on the battlefield, yet you protect those in need. Indeed, Arashu favors you. I would trust no other in the same position as you.” He held her hand for a second more as he looked into her eyes. There was something different about Thane in that moment. His black eyes held a spark of life.

       She searched his expression for any tell of dishonesty, but his face was that of complete and utter sincerity.

        She squeezed his hand releasing herself from his soft grasp. “Ever thought of putting up the sniper rifle and getting a job as a motivational speaker?” She could feel her temperature rise as she stood to exit, “Thank you Thane. I think I needed that.”

        “I only speak the truth…” ” _Siha_.” He stopped. A momentary look of surprised passed through his tranquil face as he nearly let the term of affection slip.  She was too distracted by her own emotions to notice.

         “Sleep well Thane,” Shepard softly whispered as she slipped out of life support. As the doors closed behind her she looked at the hand the man had caressed. His green scales were shockingly soft. The simple touch had created a small glimmer of happiness deep within her.

 _“A soft hand accepting gentle comfort. The smell of vanilla and raspberry. Eyes the color of the sea. A slight radiant smile_ ” Thane did not move from his desk for a long while.

 

 

\--

_..I am here for you Thane, whatever you need.” Her voice soft. Caring. Blue eyes the color of the sea looking deep within him. Hand almost reaching and then relaxing._

_“You are very kind” Hold on emotion barely restrained. “Thank you for listening, Siha.” A slip of the tongue, a term of endearment. He meant it._

_“I think my translator just glitched? What did you call me?” Her face confused, recognizing the Drell word but not knowing its meaning._

_“Siha. Someday I’ll tell you what it means.” A playful look upon his face._

_“I’ll look forward to learning its true meaning then.” A cocked eyebrow followed by a rare and brilliant smile. “Sleep well, Thane.”_

        Thane had meditated upon that moment.  On the hand that wanted to reach for his own. They sat in easy silence within the confines of Life Support each attempting to read the recommendations from the other, each stealing hidden glances at the other. She broke the silence first.

        “Tomorrow when we get to the Citadel do you mind if you accompany me?” the commander asked looking up from her data-pad describing theories on ancient Krogan society and rituals. “I’ve been wanting to get a new ammo mod for Garrus and I wanted a second opinion. If you are busy with Kolyat its fine. I can ask somebody else to come with.”

_“Black light armor with blue accents. Commander Shepard is overprepared for the relative safety of Illium and the low risk tasks she needed to accomplish. She was not alone. The Turian accompanied her with her menial tasks. The commander never leaves the ship without someone by her side. The need for backup is curious.”_

Rousing from the silent distraction of the series of observations about the woman, “The entirety of his day is being spent volunteering. I would be delighted to accompany you,” he stated casually.

        “It’s a date then.” She could feel the edges of her mouth pull into an involuntary smile. She was excited by the prospect of spending the day with the man. She faked tired stretch in a vain attempt at hiding such obvious excitement.

        This display of poorly hidden happiness brought Thane similar joy, while he was significantly more adept at controlling such tells, he also let an easy smile slip.

        They continued their independent reading, occasionally sharing interesting tidbits from their articles, until the commander had fallen asleep in her seat. The day had been exhausting and the hour was late. He made no attempt to rouse tired commander, she certainly deserved the sleep. Thane gazed upon the peaceful woman. Even in the few weeks he had known her the orange cybernetics had healed over, leaving not even a trace of their existence.  

“ _Enjoy the attention now. The number one thing I am angry at Cerberus for is that they took my eyebrow scar.” Joking among old friends. “It was a memento from Elysium.” Feigned outrage. “Since the beginning I wasn’t allowed to have shore leave without something happening.”_

        A few strands of long black hair had escaped their bundled prison and hung loosely in front of her face. How desperately Thane wanted to brush back those rogue strands. She startled the assassin as she suddenly shifted in her sleep. Now even in sleep she seemed troubled.  Her breathing accelerated as a dew began to form upon her brow.  Thane wondered what terror she was fighting within her subconscious.

        The datapad slipped from its precarious perch as she shifted again. Falling to the floor with a terrible clatter.

        The commander jolted awake. Her biotics flared, her eyes darting as she assessed the room, searching for the threat she saw in her dreams. Instead she saw only her companion, his eyes filled with concern. She buried her face within her hands with a groggy groan. She attempted to steady herself.  He could see the strain of damming the flow of tears in her face.  

        “Are you well Anne?” he softly asked.

        “Yeah, just a nightmare,” she whispered still looked visibly shaken from whatever horror she had witnessed.

        “Retelling the events of your dream may aide you in finding peace Commander. It seems this short vision has upset you considerably.” She wrapped her arms around herself, ashamed of her uncontrolled fear.

        “If you tell anybody I will find and feed you to a thresher maw. I can’t have everybody think I am a child who frightened of the dark.” Her voice was half joke and half deadly serious as she attempted to regain composure.

        “As your companion and subordinate, I will not speak a word to my crewmates.” He promised.

        The commander sighed and propped her elbows upon his desk. Her shoulder’s hunched. “I dreamt about how Saren killed himself. I dreamt that instead of coming back the horrible mechanical corpse controlled by Sovereign he came back as me. I killed everyone. I couldn’t stop myself because I was being controlled by Cerberus because all I am is a collection of cybernetics and muscle.” She reached passively up to where on her face the cybernetics had previously peaked through. Thane followed her fearful touch with a caress of his own. Tucking those escaped hairs behind her ear. She looked at him in mild surprise but made no attempt at retreating from the touch.

        “You are much more than just cybernetics and sinew. Should this mission go awry your hand’s will not be the cause of our deaths. But rather the hands of our enemies. If Cerberus could control you, I doubt you would continue to hold your disdain for them. Your soul is your own. Your hatred of their organization makes you dangerous factor.”

        “I hope you are right.” She grabbed his hand giving it a tight squeeze, she still looked ashamed of herself, “I think I am going to try to sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow Thane.” She wanted to escape this embarrassment as swiftly as possible.

        “If your dreams persist do not fear telling me Shepard. The persistent intrusion of memories is common for my people. Your trials face no judgement from me Siha.”

        “Eventually you are going to have to translate for me or I am going to get impatient and just look it up.” The return of her tired but brilliant smile warmed Thane’s heart, “good night Thane.”

        “Good night Anne.”

\---

        She had changed the accent color of her light armor. She had replaced the vibrant blue with a cool gray. She leaned against the communication console as her voice boomed across the ship, “we are just here for supplies and fuel. Enjoy your short shore leave everybody. Be back aboard by 1900 tomorrow. Dismissed.” She watched the bulk of her crew leave for their well-deserved short break. “Ready?” she asked the assassin. The fluorescent light of the Citadel bouncing off her sleek armor and the radiance of her smile near blinded the man.

        “Of course, Commander,” he responded.

        As they began their journey into the Citadel Thane couldn’t help but watch the woman. She always looked at the Citadel with childlike glee. In time his thoughts circled back to the change in her armor’s color. It wasn’t as if she needed a tactical advantage while in the middle of shore leave, hopefully. The woman seldom did things without a good reason.

       “I must ask Siha, I noticed you changed the color of your armor. Is there a reason?” He did not anticipate her to blush and warm.

       “Oh uh,” she stammered, “Well, there is an old human tradition of taking something that reminds you of a loved one into a fight. And well nobody uses silk handkerchiefs. The blue was for Liara, and I just hadn’t changed it. And well grey is neutral and looked cool.” She rambled, “I am a sentimental fool, but luckily most people think that it’s just me wanting to be ostentatious. I mean it isn’t like enemies don’t know I am already coming when I slam into them.”

        He simply smiled. There was wisdom there. Perhaps such a reminder would have kept him from the dark realm of his battle-sleep. He was curious what color of favor she would use to represent himself.

       “I don’t believe it is a foolish sentiment,” he said after a long moment.

               

        They shopped for several hours. The woman argued, convinced, and bartered to get the very best deals and equipment through what seemed like half of the Citadel. She was given an expansive wish list of supplies from Gardner and the engineers. She carried herself with grace through the crowded stores. Enjoying the game of bartering but remaining ever watchful of the denizens of the Citadel that slipped into the alleyways and shadowed corners. Thane noticed how she never was seemed to let her guard slip. If she would have been a mark, she would be near impossible to conveniently nor easily slay her. She was cautious. In time they ended up in a small café on the Presidium.

       “I’ve never much cared for shore leave,” she said looking out over the busy café. Thane watched her make the familiar calculations of exit strategies, points of entry, and suspicious persons.  “There is always something I should be doing. Being planet-side feels so confining.” Thane realized in this moment, for all that the commander knew about himself, he knew precious little about her past.

       “What was your childhood like Shepard?”

        She looked at him curiously, she was not prepared for such a question. “It was good. Lonely as hell but good.” She stopped, so often people cared more about what she has done rather than who she is. Given how much she knew about Thane’s life in the Compact it was only fair for her to share some of her own history.

        She settled in her seat. “Oh, what the gossip rags won’t tell you. I was born on my mom’s ship. I never knew my dad. I was the entire crew’s kid as far as anybody was concerned. She was the captain of a small scouting vessel at the time. Her mission was to find new sources of Element Zero for the Alliance. I won the lottery of fetal eezo exposure.” She paused to lift her coffee to her other hand with an easy wave, “She was dedicated to the military life, so my childhood was spent bouncing from port to port. I saw Earth for the first time when I enlisted at 18. She liked to joke that it was about time I got an official rank.” Shepard reveled in the memories, “Nothing beat the look on her face when I passed the first round of the ICT program. Who knew that being the last person to run out of oxygen would become so relevant again,” joking about her own great tragedy. The soft recollection in her face faded as she looked far across the nearby skyway, “my mom probably still thinks I am dead. Maybe that’s for the best for now. It would just bring her more grief if we fail.” She gripped her warm mug of coffee. She cursed herself, she was able to talk so casually to him, far more casually than she should. She couldn’t even blame it on exhaustion at the moment.

       “I regret nothing more than not contacting Kolyat before my days became numbered. Your mother seems a strong woman, she will understand. Even if our time remaining is short it will be good for her to hear from you. To allow her to say goodbye, to allow you to say goodbye.” The commander considered what he said for a long moment. The unknown venture through the Omega-4 relay was swiftly approaching. By her own mandates all her crew had to deal with their baggage before the mission.  She would not risk her crew crossing the point of no return until she was sure they were at their peak performance. She hadn’t considered the same would apply to herself.

        A sudden barrage of questions swirled within her. “ _If I were to pursue him would it be a distraction? Could he let me go if the mission demanded it? Could I let him? Wait a minute, I am acting as if the mission is bound to fail? If we both have so little time left should we not enjoy it? Am I just punishing myself for the loss of my ship, my crew?”_ She needed to believe in her own assurances that they will survive this mission. She needed to permit herself to live again. She couldn’t continue her crusade of good if she died during the mission.

        “You really should consider that motivational speaker gig. You’re right. We never know what tomorrow will hold. I’ll send her a message once I get back aboard. I doubt she will believe it is really me.” She smiled, choosing to enjoy this time with the man, she had earned this moment of distraction. She held his hand softly. “Now, will you finally tell me what Siha mea….”

         Neither of them had noticed the gun until it was much too late.

 

**_BANG_ **

 


	2. Dreams of the Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The break between chapters is more for dramatic effect than anything. To complete what has happened and what never will. Celebrations ensue, and everything is perfectly fine. 
> 
> Minor allusions to Jacob's mission and the violence against women that took place.

     The bullet dissolved harmlessly against Shepard’s shield as time seemed to stop.  

_“One gunman, armor looks like standard Eclipse fare, broad daylight in middle of the open-air café, sloppy, an attempt at her first kill. She’s so young. Pull into air to prevent civilian casualty. Slam to incapacitate.”_

Shepard leaped into action. Her biotics making quick work of the amateur mercenary. She was a human girl, she couldn’t have been older than 16. Shepard had to admit she respected the kid, it took guts to decide her initiation kill to be someone so notoriously hard to kill such as herself.  

                “Is that Commander Shepard?”

                “I thought she was dead”

                “I heard she’s working for a human supremacy group.”

     The focused woman grimaced with the rumor. The murmuring of the remaining patrons increased as she crossed the café to the unconscious girl. The mercenary was slowly rousing. The commander kicked the girl’s pistol out of her reach as she crouched near the youth.

     “I got to give it to you kid you got a good aim. If I didn’t have a shield that would have been a kill shot. That was right at my AMP port. You could use that skill to do some good in your life rather than whatever shit Eclipse has you doing. Think about it, your next target might not give you the chance.” She pinned the girl with a knee as she waited for C-Sec to arrive.

      Thane felt the inkling of anger build within him. This child had endangered Shepard and he had been able to do nothing to stop it. The fact that her attacker still drew breathe enraged him. “ _Should I have been her target the child wouldn’t have been so lucky”_ he thought as the commander spoke to the youth, asking her of her family. The girl quickly complied to Shepard’s questioning. He then recognized what compelled the commander to spare her. The young girl held the same pain in her soul as the commander, but also the same fierce determination. Thane was astounded by the woman. Few would spare their attacker, let alone encourage them to live a better life. The commander truly believed in second chances, in opportunity to become a better person. She believed in protecting even those that perhaps didn’t deserve it. He was correct in assessment. She was certainly one of Arashu’s own.

      He joined her side as she explained the situation to the officers.  

     “It would seem you didn’t need backup for this mission, Siha” a sly smile to masterfully hide the burning rage and shame within his eyes. His failure to protect her stabbing at him as if it were a rose’s thorn.

      “You are lucky I was too distracted to notice you didn’t even bother putting down your tea. I’m glad I inspire so much confidence in my abilities,” she held a similar fire in her eyes. She was upset that their date gone so poorly but carefully controlled that fury.  “It’s not the first time this has happened and based on how I work it won’t be the last. For some reason mercenary groups don’t like it that I interrupt their business so often.” She paused, calming slightly, “That kid has potential. I just hope she uses it for some good. I’ve asked that they send her to a juvenile rehabilitation center on a planet where she has some family.”

       She locked eyes with the young mercenary being read her rights. The kid looked confused and ashamed but held a steely determination.  “Let’s go before the reporters storm this place.”

 

\--

“ _Wisps of dark hair escaped her tight bun. Red lips as she smiled and told him about her life. The smell of coffee and sweet pastries. She had taken off her gloves to eat. Warm hand soft against his. Joy of life in her electric blue eyes. The corners of her eyes crinkled when she laughed. The click of a teacup, no the click of a trigger. He heard the whirl of the bullet only in his memory. The purple blue of her shields failing. Shock, rage, calculation, calm. Blue energy surrounded her body.”_

Thane cursed himself. He had become lost in the woman and didn’t even see the young mercenary enter the café. He meditated on the memory searching for what he had missed in the moment. Analyzing how he could improve in the future. Had Shepard not been seemingly unnecessarily well-armored she would be dead. The thought enraged the man. He had to do better.

_“Wisps of dark hai…”_ a knock came from the door to Life Support before it swished open.

     “Thane, got a minute to talk?”

     “Of course, Shepard, join me.” The serious jacket of her uniform was slung over her arm, revealing the loose white undershirt beneath. It must be late in the cycle for her to relieve herself of the formality of her outfit. He must have meditated upon that moment for some time.

     “I’ve been thinking about you,” she said bluntly.

     “And I you.” He responded.  The response somehow surprised her. She felt a blush begin to set.

     She took a deep breath. “When I look at you, I see a man trying to do better, trying to bring light into the world with whatever time he has left. When we talked, I had a revelation. I was beginning to believe that the Omega-4 relay was going to be the end. I had accepted that fate. I was punishing myself for surviving. Even if we don’t have long, I still deserve to live in the now. When that girl shot me, I remembered that I didn’t want to die, because I have so much left to do. I needed to remember I was alive again for more than just a mission; I needed to accept that I am alive again. And I deserve to actually live and enjoy life. Thank you for coming with me.” She rambled.

     The man blinked at her. He didn’t realize they felt so similarly to each other.

     “Will you hear my confession Siha?” He began to explain his own experience with hopelessness and the disconnection of his soul from his body. How she had also driven him to reawakening.

     The word ‘Siha’ meant more than she had possibly realized.

      “I confess I’ve come to care for you. Perhaps I am being foolish. We are very different.” She wanted to embrace him, to quell his hesitation with her lips against his, to trace his delicate patterns with her tongue. Yet she restrained herself.

      “I feel something for you too,” she whispered taking his hand in hers.

      “I’ve never felt affection for another species. I’m not sure what to do now,” his voice unsure.

      “I guess we will just have to figure it out,”

      “I look forward to the memories,” a soft smile growing across his face. 

      “As do I,” she stroked his face, pulling his face close to hers. His perfect lips against hers, soft yet firm. She pulled away from him and chuckled breathlessly, she was already starting to see stars, “I am not looking forward to the shit the crew will give me though. Joker is going to be the worst.”

      He smiled, he certainly was.

      News of their relationship spread quickly through the Normandy. The amount of less than subtle death threats the assassin had received from his crewmates were less than surprising given their loyalty to the commander.

      “I didn’t even tell any of them about us yet!” The woman groaned. “I was surprised that Tali’s threats were so colorful. Anyways, how are you feeling?”

      “You need not worry about me Siha. How are you?” He could tell something was hiding under the woman’s mask of professionalism and humor. She couldn’t hide the distracted look in her eyes of her mind being a million miles away.

       She fiddled with a pen from Thane’s desk, avoiding the topic for a minute.  “I got a message from one of the women from the Gernsback. I keep, rethinking what happened with Jacob’s dad,” she looked exhausted, “I regret keeping letting him live. He did such awful things to those women.” She didn’t look at Thane. She was ashamed of this confession. She was Commander Shepard, she was to be the paragon of mercy and justice. She had prevented several of her crew from taking the ultimate revenge against their oppressors, death is not always the solution.

       “Then he will have to live with what he has done. A swift death would have not let him atone. He will have to face the women he abused in time. I believe you were righteous in your actions Siha.” He entwined his hand with hers.

       “I just hope Jacob thinks so,” she was quiet for a long moment, mulling over the mission. She shook the thoughts out of her head, her soft black hair swirling around her. “We are almost at the end of this journey, huh. Just a few loose ends left. What do you want to do when we win?”

       “I would very much like to see a desert,” pure sincerity in his voice. Shepard was surprised by this; surely given his travels around the galaxy he had seen all manners of climate. He was serious.

       She laughed. “Can do. A vacation sounds perfect. I have a place on the perfect planet. It’s called Intai’sei. It’s a tiny colony on what humans call a ‘retirement planet’. Its all desert and windfarms.”

       “The infamous spacer Anne Shepard has a retirement home?” he held incredulous grin.

       “Technically I won it from a bet I made with Admiral Ahern. He said that I couldn’t beat every single one of his combat simulations, including one straight from his own trauma. It was no problem for me, Garrus, and Wrex. That all seems like a decade ago now. I am still pretty sure Ahern was trading illegal weapons on the side, but I guess we have bigger problems now. When we get through all this maybe we can stay there for a while.” She said with a raised eyebrow and mischievous grin.

       “I would like nothing more,” he said with a kiss to her hand. He had only briefly considered a successful outcome of their mission. Before all that Shepard had done, he assumed his body would finally die during another meaningless commission, crossing the sea without another to mourn him. He had resigned himself to that thought, but now that was no longer a possibility. The incredible woman had brought his soul back to life and his son back to him. He no longer was content with his limited lifespan, he began to feel the desperate desire for more time.

       For the first time in a long while Thane was afraid to die.

…

_“Be alive with me tonight.”_

…

               

      The commander was in a wonderful mood.

        Despite all odds, all members of the Normandy survived their encounter with the Collector base. With the base destroyed and with the Illusive Man now regretting his sizable investment, Commander Shepard wore an infectious smile.

      “EDI call all crew to the Galley and warn Gardner that we are about to have a party. Also inform him and the engineers to buy anything and everything they want before Cerberus rips us off their accounts.” She almost sang to the AI, “Also EDI if there are any new defense software packages you need buy it now.”

      “Understood Commander,” her voice hinting at excitement.

      The crew deserved it after all that they had been through. She couldn’t help but be pleased by the idea of the massive bill about to hit the Illusive Man’s pocketbook.  At some point she would need to report back to the Alliance and deal with whatever consequence working with a terrorist organization wrought. But tonight, she would simply revel in their success.

       The commander raised her glass, “Everybody. We did it. We not only destroyed the Collector base, we defeated a Reaper, and we became an independent entity. That’s right I am ripping control out of that bastard’s hands. Fucking finally.” Her loyal crew cheered as she took a long a long drink from her champagne flute.  

       To say the party went well is an understatement.

       Being cybernetically enhanced as well as a powerful biotic meant that a fair sum of revelry was necessary to impact the legendarily hardy Commander Shepard. The party lasted far into the early hours of the morning. She hadn’t been so happily drunk in years. She was just so happy. Being poisoned on Omega was the closest she had been to this feeling in a decade. She needed to find Thane. She needed to tell him something. She didn’t know what yet. Maybe she needed to kiss him. He was so serious but soft. He made her so sad. How little time they had together. She decided she certainly needed to kiss him. The thoughts bubbled up and drifted like the carbonation in her drink.

       She found him in his room. Between arm wrestling with Grunt and shots with Jack, Shepard was unsure when he had slipped from the party. She stumbled into her seat in front of the man’s desk.

       “Siha?” he blinked awake instantly.  

       “Heeeeeeeey,” she slurred, “you knoooooow I think you are reeeally pretty.” She smiled, the smell of liquor strong on her breath as she leaned her elbows on his desk. She supported her head with her hands, staring with awe at the man as he moved to his own place at his desk.

        He smiled as he kissed her hand. “Siha, I believe you need to rest.”

         “Noooooooo,” she whined, “we don’t have time for me to rest.” She clumsily stroked his face, “you will be gone so soon.” Tears began to trickle from her eyes. The booze had made her emotionally volatile. At the sight of the vulnerability Thane came to her side as she engulfed him in a tight hug, “So soon,” she whispered into his chest.  Her careful mask of control had eroded away, revealing the raw emotions hidden beneath.

         Thane was seeing his Siha in her most sensitive state. His choice to not seek treatment for his illness was hurting her. Had she not been mentally compromised she likely would never reveal this pain. She respected his choice, yet he had not respected her feelings. Thane felt ashamed. Inherently he had been the cause of these tears.

         He pushed strands of soft black hair behind her ear. She cradled her cheek with the other hand. She fell into it. Slow quiet tears continued to cascade down her face.

        “I apologize, Siha. I have been selfish. In the morning I will talk to Mordin about finding us more time,” He kissed her forehead, “I believe you need rest.”

        “You’re always so right Thane,” she sniffled.

         He aided in getting the drunken commander into her quarters, assuring that she didn’t accidentally end up in engineering. Even with the quick elevator ride she had passed from the fun stupor of booze into exhaustion of a hangover. She flopped onto her bed, not bothering to attempt to unlace her boots. Thane dutifully freed her of them. As he attempted to escape the captain’s quarters, the woman called out to him.

        “Thane?” her eyes were closed, and her arms were searching for his body.

        “I am returning to my quarters Siha,” he said.

         “Noooo. Join me, please,” her voice no more than a whisper. The man wordlessly complied to her desire. She clinged onto him as if he was a raft in a churning sea.  

         Thane was gone when Shepard awoke.  

        “Kepral’s advanced. Debridement only does so much. But I am very good. Been looking into Lazarus Project with Shepard. Could be of use. Hard without Illusive Man’s assistance. Very Secretive. Also.” The Salarian pushed a small container of ointment into the Drell’s hands. “For Commander Shepard. New recipe,” he said with a wink.

                There was at least a chance.

\----

     The simulator offered her the folly of the cure. She had found it. Exactly what she needed to save her beloved assassin. A treatment was part of the impressive amount of medical advancements developed to regenerate her own body stolen from a Cerberus facility. Using bio-printing, a new set of lungs could be formed from using one’s own DNA, ultimately an organ transplant that did not come from the loss of an innocent. It was dangerous and poorly tested, but what part of Cerberus was safe or clever design. After the organs effected from Kepral’s Syndrome were replaced the blood proteins responsible for oxygen transport could be replaced by protein manufacturing nanites.

     The fact that Cerberus had hidden such incredible medical advances from the rest of the galaxy infuriated Shepard. They had long known of Thane’s disease. They could have easily helped an entire race of people had they not been human supremacists.

     It would take twenty-six weeks for the replacement lungs to grow into a viable size.

     The six months of house arrest took the bulk of the time. They communicated through letters. They could easily tell when the penmanship had been altered or redacted, acutely aware that all correspondence would be monitored. The commander complained of staying planet side for so long. He spoke of his vacation with his son. They wrote each other poetry. While Vega despised having to read the flowery and sentimental language the love letters were what kept the commander sane. In time she was relieved of all charges but recommended to take an early retirement.

     The greatest change the simulation made was that the Reapers never came.

      The change between memory and simulation was slight, but noticeable. The program had changed the events to suit the commander’s desires.  The events of that evening of revelry were not as they truly occurred. She was denied all contact in her imprisonment. The Reapers had destroyed Earth. The small part of the commander’s conscious mind that was still active in the simulator recognized this. The simulation knew that she wished she could have been more honest with how much his refusal of treatment had hurt her, how she ached to speak to him during those long months, how powerless she felt on Earth as the Reapers destroyed everything. To see her lover alive again pained her yet she desired to delve deeper into this false life. The program facilitated that deep desire. The false memories became swifter as the simulator had to independently create the situations divorced of reality.

     Within the first day of the commander’s freedom she was back aboard the Normandy and far into space. While she hated the ‘renovations’ the Alliance had made on her ship she was glad to be back in action. She had a mission, she needed to get to the Citadel as swiftly as possible. Thane was waiting for her. They had few days before his surgery date. The procedure was risky at best. Converting the human based technology into something useable by multiple races had been difficult. But no task was too difficult for the mind of Mordin Solus.

     Recovery is slow, it always is. But they were together and that is all that mattered. Living upon the Citadel was initially difficult for the peripatetic commander, but she refused to leave her lover’s side for more time than she had to.  The weeks of immunosuppression to stave off tissue rejection were near torturous.

     “I don’t know how you do it Garrus. I am so paranoid about accidentally getting him sick every time I enter his room. Like we just must be careful about infection for a couple of weeks. I can’t imagine how it is with you and Tali.” Commander Shepard flopped dramatically on the couch of her miniscule apartment.

     “We make it work.”

     “I guess it is more of an allergic reaction with her and with you both having the same stereochemistry it is easier. I am just so tired of being stuck in one place, and I know he is also,” she groaned.

     “So what’s the plan for when he gets released? Back to good ol’ military life?” The turian joked.

     She laughed. “It would take an Earth-shattering disaster for them to want me back. I was thinking about just traveling. I got to go to so many amazing places, but I never got to really experience the culture. I never really had time.”

     Garrus raised an eyeplate in skepticism.

     “Maybe take out some criminal organizations, root out drug smugglers, just you know casually.”

     He feigned shock, “The famous Anne Shepard, stooping to vigilantism, what would the reporters say. Probably that you’re no Archangel.”  

     “True, I really can’t compete with such a cool guy,” she teased. “I am fully convinced if I ever stopped moving, I would just die. Like a shark. Wait, do you guys have sharks? Does Palavan have major oceans?” Her brain raced as she contemplated the possible intricacies of aquatic evolution on such harsh planet. “I just got to know now.”

     Garrus simply laughed at her as she pulled out her omnitool.

      Eventually, Thane was cleared for long distance space travel. They used their combined moderate wealth to purchase a small personal space vessel. They traveled the universe together, playing the hero to far reaches of the galaxy. They were given time to bring good to the world and they would take it.

     They had no way of knowing how long the artificial lung transplant would remain viable. The doctors estimated five years but given the cutting-edge technology they truthfully had no idea. It was six years after the transplant when Thane felt the all but forgotten difficulty to breathe again. It became time for them to settle down. To stop wandering the stars. They settled for a proper retirement on Intai’sei.

     The light came softly through the wide bay windows at first until the light engulfed the entire room. They kissed long and deep. Thane looked deep into her eyes, taking in the memory how perfectly the light radiated off her.

     “I love you.”

.

.

.

.

.

_” Would you like to repeat the simulation?”_  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love bittersweet ends that knock the feeling out of you so I tried to do that!  
> Thank you for reading my very first work!

**Author's Note:**

> I learned what "free indirect discourse" was and there was no looking back with the constantly shifting diction which was a lot of fun! Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
